Vayigash: “Being Right/Being Happy”

A couple of weeks ago, Ron and I were pondering a challenging situation, and he said something that I can’t stop
thinking about. His comment was- “I don’t need to be right, I just want to be
happy.” Personally, I so resist this wise perspective. I DO need to be right- I want to stomp my
feet and pound my fist and argue fiercely until you are CONVINCED that I am
right, until you scream it from the rooftops.

Okay,
it’s hard for me to let things go. And
yet, I have to admit that, ironically, Ron IS right- in many cases, maybe even
in most cases, the better part of valor is to just let it go. When I counsel couples, I often advise them
as follows: When you have a
disagreement, ask yourself, “How much does this matter to me? How much does it matter to my partner?” If your level of caring is a 3 and theirs is
an 8, let it go. Save your energy for
engagement for those moments where you both care about something passionately,
and even then, consider the question, “How much will this matter in 5
years?” Perhaps you can, after all, let
it go.

I think about the story Reb Zalman Schachter-Shalomi used to tell about the poor
peasant schlepping along the road with his heavy pack. Along comes a nobleman who invites the
peasant to ride in his carriage. The
poor man gratefully steps into the carriage, still holding his heavy bag on his
shoulder. He can’t, or won’t, let it go. The nobleman suggests, “You’re riding
in the carriage anyway, why don’t you put down your pack?” “It’s enough,” the peasant replies, “that
you’re carrying me. Why should you carry
my pack as well?” The tale is a metaphor
for our relationship with God. If we’re
already in the carriage, that is, the world, why do we carry our burdens with
us? Why not put them down and let God
give us a ride?

It’s hard to let go. It’s hard to let go of
all of the cares and troubles and concerns and rationalizations that we carry
with us. Somehow we think that we are so
important, that our cares and our perspectives are so vital, that we can’t
possibly put them down. As we enter a
new year, it occurs to me that this is a good time to reflect on what we are carrying
into the year ahead, and what, perhaps, we might be able to let go? The year 2020 invites us to think about
putting everything that we are carrying into sharper focus. What is our vision for the year ahead and how
can we lighten our load with an eye towards greater happiness?

In this week’s parshah, Vayigash, Joseph is, finally, reunited with the brothers
who wanted to kill him and who sold him into slavery. Joseph, clearly, had a lot of anger he might
have carried. He easily could have
stomped his feet and banged his fist and hit them over the head with his own
righteousness and their grievous error.
Joseph does none of that.
Instead, as he reveals his true identity, he cries with relief and with
joy, “I am Joseph; does my father yet live?”
(Genesis 45:2) Joseph doesn’t
need to be right, he just wants to be happy.
He puts down the heavy burden of his anger and resentment and righteous
indignation and embraces his
brothers.

As we enter the year 2020, can we all shift our perspective on what is truly
important and reflect deeply on what we actually need to carry with us and what
we might be able to let go? Do we need
to be right in every instance? Perhaps we
just be happy?