Devarim: Just Say Yes
Devarim: Just Say Yes
Well, it’s the beginning of the end. No, not in our culture, though you might feel that way. I mean in our weekly Torah reading. This week we read Parshat Devarim, the first selection in the 5th and final book of the Torah, Deuteronomy.
The entire book of Deuteronomy can be read as Moses’ “valedictory address.” It’s been 40 years of wandering, and the people are now poised on the east side of the Jordan River, about to, finally, enter the promised land. Moses has more or less made his peace with the fact that he will not be able to go with them, and he takes this opportunity to review his history of leadership and the highlights- and low points- of the journey.
He reviews the appointment of judges and various military battles. He notes the people’s rebellion and the report of the spies. And he references an incident that occurs in the book of Numbers, Chapter 21, verses 21-26.
There they are- the Israelites- shlepping through the wilderness- and they send a message to Sihon, king of the Amorites. It’s a simple request- We’d like to cut across your property. We won’t touch any of your fields or vineyards, we won’t drink from your wells. We’ll stay on the king’s highway until we pass through your territory.
Doesn’t seem like a huge ask, and they say up front that they will be respectful. Instead of saying yes, Sihon gathers up his people to do battle with the Israelites. He launches an attack, an attack which turns out to be unsuccessful, and the Israelites end up taking the land by force.
It feels like a tragic and unnecessary escalation that leads to a devastating loss. Why? Why not just be nice? Why not just say yes? One of the leadership principles I have found most helpful in my work is “find 99 reasons to say yes rather than 1 reason to say no.” My daughter Jessie has translated this into her parenting, where the kids are rewarded with what they call a “yes day.” Jessie says yes to their choice of food, activity, etc. Why couldn’t the Amorites have just negotiated their way to say yes? I’d like to suggest that yes is almost always a good answer!
In the classic book on negotiation, Getting to Yes, the authors encourage us to reflect on the needs, the desires, the concerns, and the fears behind the position of our negotiating partner, and to address these in a calm and thoughtful fashion. Invent options for mutual gain and seek solutions that satisfy both party’s interests. In their section on “Negotiation Jujitsu,” they specifically caution against counterattacking or escalating conflict, precisely the tactic of the Amorites.
Saying yes builds bridges, saying no builds walls. I think that we could all benefit from saying yes more often in our lives.
When we think that we’re too busy, saying yes to a hospital visit or shiva minyan can foster a sense of compassion within. If someone asks us to pray for them, say yes to that too.
When we’re overwhelmed and a friend offers to help- say yes.
Any chance to spend time with an older relative- say yes.
Consider saying yes to forgiveness.
When your kid wants to play and you are distracted? Good opportunity to practice saying yes.
Is it sometimes scary? Yes. Is it sometimes inconvenient? Yes. What if we fail? Oh well. Occasional failure is the price of improvement.
Rabbi Sharon Brous writes of “the transformative nature of showing up when we want to retreat, of listening deeply to each other’s pain even when we fear there are no words.” (The Amen Effect, p. 6) “Life is precarious,” she concludes, “but you are alive. So show up, body and spirit.” (ibid., p. 7)
When God reaches out to Abraham, he answers with “Hineni- here I am.” He says yes. In the book of Isaiah, God asks, “”Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” Isaiah responds, “Here am I. Send me!” He says yes. When Naomi tells Ruth to return to her home, Naomi replies, “Wherever you go, I will go.” She says yes. Well, she says no, actually, but she says it in a very yes-like manner!
As we read this week of the consequences of saying no, perhaps we can look into our own hearts and find 99 reasons to say yes rather than one reason to say no? We can never know how that challenge will transform into an opportunity for personal growth!
Are there times in your life that you said no that you now have come to regret? “If only” must be some of the saddest words in the English language.
I’ll leave you these words from Richard Branson and perhaps they will inspire and encourage you to say yes- “If somebody offers you an amazing opportunity but you are not sure you can do it, say yes- then learn how to do it later.”
Well, it’s the beginning of the end. No, not in our culture, though you might feel that way. I mean in our weekly Torah reading. This week we read Parshat Devarim, the first selection in the 5th and final book of the Torah, Deuteronomy.
The entire book of Deuteronomy can be read as Moses’ “valedictory address.” It’s been 40 years of wandering, and the people are now poised on the east side of the Jordan River, about to, finally, enter the promised land. Moses has more or less made his peace with the fact that he will not be able to go with them, and he takes this opportunity to review his history of leadership and the highlights- and low points- of the journey.
He reviews the appointment of judges and various military battles. He notes the people’s rebellion and the report of the spies. And he references an incident that occurs in the book of Numbers, Chapter 21, verses 21-26.
There they are- the Israelites- shlepping through the wilderness- and they send a message to Sihon, king of the Amorites. It’s a simple request- We’d like to cut across your property. We won’t touch any of your fields or vineyards, we won’t drink from your wells. We’ll stay on the king’s highway until we pass through your territory.
Doesn’t seem like a huge ask, and they say up front that they will be respectful. Instead of saying yes, Sihon gathers up his people to do battle with the Israelites. He launches an attack, an attack which turns out to be unsuccessful, and the Israelites end up taking the land by force.
It feels like a tragic and unnecessary escalation that leads to a devastating loss. Why? Why not just be nice? Why not just say yes? One of the leadership principles I have found most helpful in my work is “find 99 reasons to say yes rather than 1 reason to say no.” My daughter Jessie has translated this into her parenting, where the kids are rewarded with what they call a “yes day.” Jessie says yes to their choice of food, activity, etc. Why couldn’t the Amorites have just negotiated their way to say yes? I’d like to suggest that yes is almost always a good answer!
In the classic book on negotiation, Getting to Yes, the authors encourage us to reflect on the needs, the desires, the concerns, and the fears behind the position of our negotiating partner, and to address these in a calm and thoughtful fashion. Invent options for mutual gain and seek solutions that satisfy both party’s interests. In their section on “Negotiation Jujitsu,” they specifically caution against counterattacking or escalating conflict, precisely the tactic of the Amorites.
Saying yes builds bridges, saying no builds walls. I think that we could all benefit from saying yes more often in our lives.
When we think that we’re too busy, saying yes to a hospital visit or shiva minyan can foster a sense of compassion within. If someone asks us to pray for them, say yes to that too.
When we’re overwhelmed and a friend offers to help- say yes.
Any chance to spend time with an older relative- say yes.
Consider saying yes to forgiveness.
When your kid wants to play and you are distracted? Good opportunity to practice saying yes.
Is it sometimes scary? Yes. Is it sometimes inconvenient? Yes. What if we fail? Oh well. Occasional failure is the price of improvement.
Rabbi Sharon Brous writes of “the transformative nature of showing up when we want to retreat, of listening deeply to each other’s pain even when we fear there are no words.” (The Amen Effect, p. 6) “Life is precarious,” she concludes, “but you are alive. So show up, body and spirit.” (ibid., p. 7)
When God reaches out to Abraham, he answers with “Hineni- here I am.” He says yes. In the book of Isaiah, God asks, “”Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” Isaiah responds, “Here am I. Send me!” He says yes. When Naomi tells Ruth to return to her home, Naomi replies, “Wherever you go, I will go.” She says yes. Well, she says no, actually, but she says it in a very yes-like manner!
As we read this week of the consequences of saying no, perhaps we can look into our own hearts and find 99 reasons to say yes rather than one reason to say no? We can never know how that challenge will transform into an opportunity for personal growth!
Are there times in your life that you said no that you now have come to regret? “If only” must be some of the saddest words in the English language.
I’ll leave you these words from Richard Branson and perhaps they will inspire and encourage you to say yes- “If somebody offers you an amazing opportunity but you are not sure you can do it, say yes- then learn how to do it later.”